On the outside looking in...again

What should have been a regular, casual trip to the beach with cousins who we haven't seen in years should been fun and stress-free. Unfortunately, like most things in our family colored by autism, it was anything but. While my daughter played in the water with her cousins and other relatives, Michael was on the far side of the swimming area by himself. At age 14 and nearly as tall as I am, he's not invisible.

I went out by him in the water for awhile and talked a bit to him about Power Rangers and Pokemon (yes, he's transfixed by Pokemon Go). After about 10 minutes, he asked if he could be alone. I returned to the beach trying to not look disappointed. This was one of those days when I just don't "get" autism. I don't know why he wants to be all by himself, even telling me -- the person he's closest to -- to go away for awhile.

I slowly returned to the shore. While sitting on the beach, I felt the tears well up behind my sunglasses as I watched all the kids in the water -- not just our family members -- interacting with someone else and saw him spinning away and waving his arms every once in awhile. 

The trip to the beach was a microcosm for our entire visit with family members -- some we haven't seen in three years. He didn't speak much to his cousins, aunts, uncles and grandparents. At a cookout, he retreated to a bedroom to play his DS and read Garfield books. I did coax him out to play a game of UNO with a couple of younger cousins, but that was it. He always says hello to people when we arrive and goodbye when we leave, but that's about it. I feel like he's an invisible member of the family. He's there, but not there. People don't ask much about him -- not even where he is.

Throughout this and every visit whether it's with family or friends, I feel like I need to be at his size, whether it's helping him get food or making sure he has something to do so he doesn't become too bored or at least is busy enough so we can get in a decent visit before we have to leave. So while most people are relaxed and can't wait to visit with family or friends, trips away from home are anything but relaxing. Autism definitely affects our entire family and the older Michael gets, the harder it gets to fight its effects.